The maid of honor just puked.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
