I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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