youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
