i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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