he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
