I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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