I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
