As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
