I puked a lego.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
