You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
