so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
