Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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