Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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