He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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