his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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