i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
