I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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