airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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