Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
