I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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