New low: just hacked my moms facebook
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
