just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
