So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
