All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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