I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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