Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
