Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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