Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
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