if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my phone needs a breathalizer
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
