heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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