I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
