I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
