i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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