that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
