Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
