if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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