I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
