Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
