everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
