I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
