chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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