I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
