ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
