Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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