i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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