There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
