Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
