my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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