I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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