You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
