I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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