I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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