Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Randomize
