I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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