My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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