Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
