I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
