I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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