a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
